Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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