If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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