My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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