Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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