I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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