Do you still have your period?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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