I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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