i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
