She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
