i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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