the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
