I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Drake has all the answers
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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