so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
