Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
