this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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