oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
