if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
