Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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