...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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