I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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