So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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