Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
