Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
