i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
