This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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