420 ftw
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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