I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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