i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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