he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
