This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
