I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
