Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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