If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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