In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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