Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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