I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
