Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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