Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
