one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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