Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
