Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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