sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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