I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
