i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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