I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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