I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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