I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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