just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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