So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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