I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
