That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
