I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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