So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
