Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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