I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon