i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"