I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
