The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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