3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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