Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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