I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
