I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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