first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.