he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
